Friday, March 31, 2006

Well, now I feel bad

I just got a response from Dung's mother. She hadn't responded to my response to her. (See post below, "Conversation with Dung's mother".)

Evidently, she interpreted the fact that I had contacted Holt for an explanation as to why we had been misled about not being chosen as Dung's family, as evidence that I would try to interfere with their process if I had more information about them.

Good grief, what kind of person would DO SOMETHING like that?????

Anyway, I am not going to post what her message to me said, because I think it gives too much personal information about them. But, this is what I said in reply:

S~,
I am sorry - I would not want you think that I would have tried to interfere with your process - that was the last thing on my mind. What I was angry about was that I felt like H~[agency] misled us - when I asked why we were not chosen for H~ Dung, we were told, "timing" - i.e. the family chosen for H~ Dung was much closer to having a finished homestudy and that was the reason for the decision. (So when you posted that you hadn't yet sent in your paperwork for the homestudy, I felt like H~ had blatantly lied to me.) My anger was with H~, not with your family, not with you for posting about it. (Yes, it was painful to read, but, I wasn't angry with you, it was just incredible sadness.) But, I really felt it was wrong of H~ to make me believe that the deciding factor was "timing" when clearly it wasn't. When I called A~[social worker] after reading your post, I wanted her, basically, to give me a truthful reason, to explain why we had been misled in the first place, and give us a reason not to leave and go to another agency. And A~ apologized, and truthfully I don't think she intended to mislead me, so much as she didn't want to hurt my feelings - I imagine that this "timing" is a canned answer they give to the family who isn't chosen. I can accept that. It's unfortunate that families are put in positions to "compete" over children, and I am sure it is the worst part of A~'s job to have to tell people their hearts are broken. I did not contact L~ [other social worker] - she contacted me, I suspect after talking to A~. She started the conversation with, "I understand that you've had a loss" - and I appreciated that she started the conversation understanding that I was grieving and upset. That conversation was the number 1 reason I decided to stay with H~ - my husband was dead set on going to another agency after he read your post - again, nothing to do with you, only to do with the fact that he felt like he had been lied to. I did wonder, at the time, what A~ meant by "life experiences" - and it is clear that [your work/ specific life experience] makes you an ideal mother for an adopted toddler. I respect the decision of the committee in finding the best family for H~ Dung - what I did not respect or appreciate was being misled about it. You had no part in that, but, I needed H~ to give me a reason to trust them not to mislead me again. At this point I feel like I have established that trust. We have agreed that we will not go through "committee" again - that was just too horribly painful and, frankly, I don't think I can do that again. But, I do trust that they will eventually find us the right child, and that is what is truly important. I am very sincere when I say that I hope H~ Dung comes home to you soon, and that I hope he brings you joy and happiness, and that you bring joy and happiness to him. I am sorry if I made you worry that I would interfere - that would not be in Hung Dung's best interest, and it would be ugly and small and petty and horrible, and I cannot imagine anyone (well, anyone who really cares about children, anyway) doing something like that. I am glad to know that [he will be loved and cherished by an extended family]. I told you the truth about what happened after you posted, truly, because I felt a need to make peace with a place in my heart that was still bruised - not to make you feel unsettled or threatened. Best wishes and hopes for quick travel for you and your husband, G~

7 Comments:

Blogger Space Mom said...

A very good response.

I am sure that she is nervous about everything until Dung is in her home and with her family. Any mom would be.

That was a very good letter explaining why you contacted the agency more...

Enjoy your vacation!

Friday, March 31, 2006 10:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Friday, March 31, 2006 2:25:00 PM  
Blogger LawMommy said...

Does anybody know how to delete the above comment?

Friday, March 31, 2006 2:45:00 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Oh wow, that must have been upsetting for you, to see your email totally misinterpreted. Sometimes email just does a horrible job of communicating what we are trying to say!

Regarding the comment, looks like you got it deleted okay. If you are getting spammed or whatever, you can go into the blog's settings and set it to require extra verification before allowing a commenter's post. (that identify-the-letters thing they do)

Friday, March 31, 2006 7:11:00 PM  
Blogger Robinson 4 said...

Oh no! That's too bad she took it that way. I'm the worst when it comes to fully explaining myself via email. I think you did an good job clearing it up though.
About the comment, to get it to be removed completely, you'll have to trash it twice. Then it won't show up at all.

Saturday, April 01, 2006 12:11:00 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

I am sorry you had this experience with H.... We have used this agency for 4 adoptions. We have had a long connection to them. But would not use them for our adoption now and would not recommend them now. I hope things do work our for you. Keep on them. ;-(

Tuesday, April 04, 2006 9:30:00 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Adoption woes. Oh how familiar my heart is with the ups and downs, the grief and joy. It is interesting and sad there is no expression of adoption grief allowed in our culture. I am hoping that all the millions of us will find a way for our society to give us a voice in our loss.

Monday, April 17, 2006 1:19:00 PM  

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