I would really like a cigarette right now...

Which is, um, ironic, because I have pretty much not had any cigarettes in a really long time, nor was I ever anything other than a "social smoker" - i.e. if other people at a party were smoking, I might smoke one cigarette.

It's possible that I have, in my entire life, smoked 20 cigarettes.

Perhaps it is because I was commiserating with another attorney about a case, and HE was smoking a cigarette, which seemed extremely CALMING to him, and I kept thinking, 'damn, it must be nice to have something that makes you so calm.'

On the other hand, HE was in the middle of trying to draft a defense for a guy who is facing the death penalty, and, um...fighting for someone's life, I imagine, is a terrible burden. Because if you lose, even if you think your client is guilty, well, I don't think I could personally live with that kind of pressure. Which I why I have a very narrow criminal practice that only involves defending those accused of owning nuisance real estate...none of those clients gets threatened with anything worse than a fine, and possibly having their property bull-dozed, which I have managed to avoid every time.

The reason I am clamoring for something calming is because I feel all "awhirl" emotionally.

Part of this comes from an email I received from my uncle this morning. (Not the one I work for - a different one.) Anyway, said uncle is living in China right now, doing...something. I'm not really clear about what it is he does. Something with computers.

Anyway, he and my aunt are living near Beijing for two years. So, I had emailed them to ask if they are any where near the province where this little boy is. (Which they are about 200 miles away.) But, anyway, my uncle had spoken with the attorney for his company, a Chinese attorney in Beijing, who then emailed me as well, and expressed astonishment that there could be a fairly healthy three year old boy living in an orphanage, because most boys living in orphanages have "many serious special needs", and his advice was to 'proceed with extreme caution' and 'question all reports' and to 'make sure I am working with a reputable agency'. Well, the only thing I am sure about is that I am working with a reputable agency...but, unlike this agency's work in Vietnam, they have no direct control/access/input in the care of this child. (He also asked if I had considered adopting a baby girl from China, since he knew this was such a "normal practice" and he had heard American families were generally very happy with "such placements.")

Ugh. I feel sick. I really feel, kind of like I've just gotten off one of those twirly rides at a county fair.

My immediate temptation at the moment is to hide under my desk, a la George Costanza, and take a nap under there...

LM