Monday, April 30, 2007

Torture, Strippers and Soccer

I now know why criminal, nefarious and villainous sorts threaten to torture interrogation victims by fingernail removal. Through actions too benign and meaningless to even bother relating, I managed to rip off half of my pinky-fingernail on my right hand.

Can I just say, that hurt like a B***H. Man. It hurt. Liked, kicked in the stomach, I'm going to vomit, not sure if I can catch my breath, PAIN.

Quite honestly I would probably sell out my own grandmother to prevent feeling that again. So, yeah, as torture techniques go, I'm thinking that one, yeah, it would make me talk. Or make up copious and detailed lies, at any rate. Or anything, really. It hurt, is what I am trying to convey.

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The Ohio Legislature has fast-tracked a bill to force "adult businesses" to close between the hours of midnight and 6:00 AM. Also, it would make it a felony for an "entertainer" to come within six feet of a "patron."

My beef with this bill is this: THERE ARE SO MANY PROBLEMS FACING THE STATE OF OHIO. SO. MANY. PROBLEMS. We are having a crisis in the areas of education and employment. Foreclosures are at an all time high. Our schools...ay yai yai...

I'm just about 100% certain that if you took a poll of Ohioans, and asked them what they thought the MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE IN OHIO TODAY is...I'm darn sure that NO ONE, NOT A SINGLE PERSON, would answer that the biggest problem facing Ohio today is that strippers sometimes come within 5 feet of their patrons. But THAT is the bill that has been FAST-TRACKED. OY.

I don't honestly care what strippers do. (I mean this sincerely, but, I'm probably one of the few feminists on the planet who think prostitution should be legalized, regulated and taxed.) I don't think it is the job of the Ohio legislature to tell strippers what time of day they can strip. (And frankly, I'd RATHER they stripped from midnight to 6:00 AM, because, hey, HOW MANY KIDS ARE OUT at that time of day? Nor is my Husband, who can rarely keep his eyes open past 10:30, likely to be out at those times of day, either.) If someone wants to take it all off for money, I say, GO AHEAD. It's just capitalism. Just make it abudantly clear that the business establishment where you do that is what it is, 'cause I don't want to see it, and I don't want to accidently stumble in, innocently thinking I might get a burger and Rum Runner with my Husband, and find naked women in my face (because I do not like my rum contaminated by naked women, don't you know). But, if it's clear it's a strip club, I don't give a rip what it's hours are, or how little the dancers are wearing, or how close they get to the patrons. I DON'T CARE. I have a certain amount of control over the choices made by my own family, and I don't think it's any of my business, or the business of the legislature, to tell anyone what time of day they can ogle naked strangers, if that is the way they choose to spend their free time.

What I do care about is the fact that my tax dollars are paying the salaries of the yahoos in Columbus, who evidently don't think that there are greater issues facing the State of Ohio then how large the pasties are that "Candy Does Canton" is wearing on her fake rack.

I have ranted enough on that subject. I hope the legislature is listening. If you are, and you haven't gotten my point yet, it is this: STOP FIXATING ON NAKED WOMEN AND GET SOME REAL WORK DONE.

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I am officially a Veronica Mars addict. This is all The Cracked Pot's fault. But, I won't hold it against her, since she is recovering from a nasty car accident. I am partway through Season 2 and am seriously considering just buying the whole series on DVD since I don't think I can stand to wait for Netflix to get me the next disk.

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Lana threw a fit at Gabriel's soccer match on Sunday that lasted 20 MINUTES. TWENTY. MINUTES.

The fit involved the fact that her Daddy was coaching Gabe's team and would not let her play. She quite literally stood on the spectators side of the field and screamed at the top of her lungs for TWENTY. MINUTES.

Other moms asked me, "Is she yours?" (As if, um, if she were MINE, wasn't there SOMETHING I could do to get her to SHUT THE HELL UP. Answer - Yes, she's mine. And sorry, NO. Nothing I can do, to make the screaming cease.) I have a lot of conflicted emotions about the whole scene, which I do not feel up to delving into at the moment. She stopped screaming shen Husband let her stand next to him on the "coaches and players" side while he yelled directives at the field. I'm not sure I can show my face at the soccer field for the rest of the season. I'm going to be "that mom who lets her daughter scream like a banshee in public." It wasn't normal behavior and there was nothing I could do about it, and that was the worst part of the whole thing. I knew it wasn't "normal" ~ and I didn't know how to fix the situation. She was beyond even being picked up and carted home, as there is no way I could have gotten a good enough grip on her to carry her the several hundred yards back to the car. The only person who was capable of calming her was Husband. It was a very helpless and awful feeling...

That's all for now,
LM

6 Comments:

Anonymous Laurie said...

Add me to the list of feminists who think prostitution should be legalized and regulated! We're actually not that small in number. Sorry to hear about the tantrum from hell. If Lana hasn't been banned from the field, or you from the games, I hope the next one goes better!

Monday, April 30, 2007 5:21:00 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

As always, lots of interesting info in your post. Sorry about the fingernail. The thought of it made my stomach churn. Ugh. Really sorry about the tantrum. I know that must be hard.

Monday, April 30, 2007 6:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Christina said...

I'd just like to see any of the other moms handle it better. I handle Zeeb's tantrums by physically removing him... if I couldn't do that, I'd be just as stuck as you were. (thankfully he has enough english now that he can usually be reasoned with and when he can't a simple "do you want a time out?" will usually do the trick!) I think having her be a little coach's helper sounds like a perfect solution and good on both of you for thinking of it. Maybe you could even get her her own little clipboard! :-)

Monday, April 30, 2007 7:32:00 PM  
Blogger jenn said...

A note on Ohio Legislation. They are working to pass a bill right now called Ohio Hope for Adoption...pretty much triples the tax credit for families that adopt ($500-$1500.) I didn't even realize there was one! Need to call my accountant.
I've lost a finger and a toenail. Trust me, you got the better end of the deal...OUCH doesn't even begin to describe it.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Thanks for the shout-out. Still crossing my fingers here that VM gets a 4th season.

Oh, and I'm totally for legalized/regulated/taxable prostitution. And drugs, too, for that matter. :)

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger Space Mom said...

She's 4! Any 4 year old can go into Banshee mode. Don't stress it. If the moms give you grief remind them of live just a few short years ago....

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 1:18:00 PM  

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