Random quick thoughts about things that deserve their own posts
- Grief is funny. I am alternately numb and then agitated and then forgetful. I tell myself I'm completely fine and then find myself crying over something mundane. Today it was while I was filling my cup with Diet Coke at Jimmy John's. Why? I don't know.
- One week ago today was Husband and my 15th Wedding Anniversary. We saw Patty Griffin in Ann Arbor and spent the night alone! without children! at a hotel. It was a lovely break.
- Gabriel has spend the last month reading Harry Potter like a madman. He is now partway through Book 5. At the library they had to give him an extra sheet to keep track of his (many many) summer reading hours. I predict he will have finished Book 7 by the end of July. Last night he asked me to lie down with him for a few minutes because we were having a thunder storm. We laid in bed in the dark and quietly talked about Harry Potter for about half an hour. It was a very sweet mother-son moment.
- Lana and I had a few really difficult weeks that culminated in what I have been calling "The Incident of the Cherry Pomegranate Crystal Light." Have you SEEN the cherry pomegranate crystal light? It is the reddest drink I have ever seen. It is ALSO incredibly tasty. Lana was behaving badly, and while she did not deliberately dump the red juice on my lime green carpeting, she did deliberately kick the table which cause the juice to spill. There is a big stain on my carpet. We had the fit of the century that involved tears and screaming. We spent a long time scrubbing carpet cleaner into the stain together. Lana has been behaving better since this incident, but my carpeting is definitely worse for wear. Part of me wonders if she was testing me for several weeks to see if I would still love her when she was bad, and maybe she figures the carpet stain is proof I won't kick her to the curb? I don't know.
- Lana handed me a piece of paper two nights ago that read as follows: "I have ?s for Mom. Plees circl YES or NO. 1. Do you love me? YES OR NO. 2. Will you alwys tak care of me? YES OR NO. 3. If you did not love me, do you think that I woold love you? YES OR NO." So, the first two questions were easy. That third one? WHAT THE HELL? Is that an emotionally complex and loaded question or what???? I circled YES. Lana studiously made check-marks next to each of my answers. I asked, "What did you want me to answer for the last question?" She said, "It's not what I want you to answer, Mommy. It's would I love you if you didn't love me. It's not about wanting or not wanting." I said, "That's hard for me to answer because I DO love you." Lana went back to making check-marks. I still am clueless about this exchange.
- The next two days will be full of rituals to say good-bye to J~. My heart is heavy and I'm not sure if it will be worse when all of the friends and family have gone back to their normal lives...
posted by LawMommy at 1:53 PM
4 Comments:
I think in your shoes I would be crying in my Diet Coke too. Crying is a good and healthy release - don't stress about the *why*, you don't need a why, just let the tears flow, so long as you're not in court or something. (unless you need to give an emotionally persuasive argument... then it might come in handy... no, I did not just say that.)
Re: Lana's ?s... Wow. She is going to be a lot of fun at 12, let me tell you. But I think it's awesome that she can express her thoughts/questions/concerns with you. I think all kids at some point wonder about their parent's love but with adopted kids (esp. those with more history/baggage to deal with) it's almost like part of the package. Better she works through those concerns now, then burying them and letting them fester. You are a really good mom, and I think you two are blessed to have each other.
I have to admit to wondering ever so briefly exactly who was having the great big noisy fit. I know in my case it would be a toss-up as to who was having the bigger fit. Not that I'm proud of it mind you...
And as far as Lana's questions? I'll just say ditto to everything Mrs. Broccoli Guy said and save myself a whole lot of typing.
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First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how/when/expected or not, the loss is hard to take.
My second thought was, wow - Lana is so...deep for her age. Great challenges and great rewards lie ahead for both of you, I'm sure.
My condolences on your loss. No easy answers there.
As for Lana, gosh, she is smart! All I could think is that she wants to be sure she is loved no matter what and her question was like a reverse psychology way of checking in/testing your unwavering love for her. Or better yet what Mrs.Brocooli Guy said. ;0)
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