I don't think I mentioned...

the crying jag I had yesterday in the car.

I was pulling into the daycare/preschool/kindergarten where Gabriel attends school. It was about 5:15 in the afternoon, and two Asian boys, about age 2.5, were running around in the lawn, just playing like little boys do.

Their fathers (both graduate students at the University where the center is located) watched them playing as they chatted in Chinese or Korean (or something other than Japanese, which is the only Asian language I recognize.)

Anyway, I sat in my car and watched them and burst into tears. Because I imagined Tung playing with them, and then I imagined tiny 19.8 pound Tung being crushed by one of these big, healty boys. And I wondered if this is where Tung is supposed to be. And I just don't know.

Husband says we cannot make a decision until we hear back from the agency about our questions.

I just wish I KNEW. I wish I KNEW, the way I KNEW when I got the file on the waiting child, C~H~ Dung.

Yes, I know I am obsessing on this topic. But, it's totally true.

Husband says we will never feel like that again, it was a one time thing that was crushed by the weight of the grief of having him go to a different family.

In the meantime, Tung's tiny face stares at me from the corner of my desk where the file is sitting. I wish he could tell me if he thinks he is Samuel...