Scenes from a New Jersey Interfaith Wedding

I contemplated calling these posts, “Driving Around Jersey with a Crazy Person” or possibly, “Travels with a Complete Whack-Job”, but, I decided against it.

Act I: Before the Whack Job's Arrival, A Happy Family Sets Out for New Jersey

Scene 1:

Lawmommy sleeps in her childhood bedroom for the first time in probably six years. (When you live only 25 minutes from the house you grew up in, there is not much call for you to spend the night. But, I spent the night in my old bedroom on Thursday night, because we were, allegedly, leaving at 6:30 in the morning.) The house I grew up in sits just beneath the Ohio Turnpike, which means that for all of my childhood, I would lie in bed and watch the truck fly over my house. (For a brief period of time, my younger brothers actually believed that trucks flew. Like airplanes - just lower to the ground. No, I am not making that up.) The house itself pre-dates the turnpike by several decades (having been built in 1901), and was probably lucky to have survived construction of that thru-way, as many other houses were knocked down to make room. At any rate, my childhood lullaby was the loud “wrrrrrrrrhhh” and “woooooooshhh” of all those trucks.

Can I tell you, I SLEPT LIKE A BABY. And by this, no, I do not mean that I slept fitfully and woke up screaming for milk every 20 minutes. No, I mean this in the way that it is usually meant, and by which I should probably say, “I slept like a sloth” or, “I slept like a log.” I slept, gosh darn it, for SEVEN STRAIGHT HOURS AND DID NOT WAKE UP ONCE TO PEE. For those of you for whom that is not a staggering feat, you are surely not impressed. But, as for me, it was incredible - I don’t remember that happening at all since Gabe was born six and half years ago.

I shared the news of my miraculous seven hour sleep with my brother J~ when we picked up him at his house (less than five minutes from my mom and step-dad’s house) at 8:15. (See, we didn’t actually leave at 6:30 AM. Did anybody really believe that we would?) He said, ‘it’s the trucks. The sound of the trucks at night all through our childhood ruins sleep in any other normal sleep environment. You should make a tape of the trucks and play it in your room at home. Then, maybe you would sleep.” (Perhaps my brother is on to something – however, I am pretty sure Husband would then NOT be able to sleep. Such a catch-22…)

Scene 2:

Three hours into the trip. My brother and I have watched Grosse Pointe Blank and are bemoaning the fact that John and Joan Cusack and Minnie Driver did not make a sequel to that fabulous film.

Scene 3:

Five hours into the trip. We have watched several episodes of the first season of Arrested Development, and are bemoaning the fact that FOX cancelled this show after only three seasons. DAMN YOU FOX TELEVISION! Canceling and ruining several other fabulous television shows over the years, including Brimstone and Millennium!

Scene 4:

Six hours in the car. Everyone is a little slap happy. Step-father realizes that he has lost his American Express card, SOMEWHERE in OHIO or PENNSYLVANIA. Without the card, we cannot call the 800-number. This is followed, somewhat nonsensically, by a Deep Discussion about how many flavors of Tic-Tacs actually exist.

Scene 5:

We arrive in Princeton, New Jersey after almost 9 hours of driving. We check into the hotel, and make our way to our room. We call Husband at my house and ask him to look up the telephone number for American Express Customer Service. Also, to open the drawer in the kitchen that contains my large stash of Tic-Tacs and tell us what the white tic-tacs are actually called, since, in our previous discussion and observation of tic-tac containers actually IN MY PURSE, we determined that they were neither Peppermint nor Wintergreen. Also not Orange, but, we were not surprised by that. Husband calls back with the number for AmEx and with the news that white tic-tacs are, in fact, “Freshmint”. AmEx is called, and informs my step-father that a worker in a Taco Bell in Pennsylvania has called to say that the AmEx was found in their restaurant. It must have fallen out of step-father’s wallet when we had lunch.

Scene 6:

We attempt to find dinner. We are surrounded by malls, and a Macaroni Grill, an On the Border and a TGI Friday’s, all of which have a one hour wait, because it is Friday night at 7:30 PM. We are all starving and cannot wait for an hour. We make our way to a mall food court, where a very nice Greek man who speaks very little English makes us an AMAZING sausage and mushroom pizza.

Scene 7: Stuffed with amazing pizza, brother J~ and I head to the bar at On the Border with other family members who have arrived in town for the wedding, while my mother and step-dad go to meet with the bride and groom to discuss the ceremony and assist in setting up a tent of some sort. Lawmommy and Brother J~ consume too many margaritas, being purchased by our Uncle the Dentist. Who knew a dentist could be such a corrupting influence?

End of Act I, look forward to Act II, in which Law Mommy and Brother J~ take Manhattan by Storm...er, rather, take Manhattan IN A STORM...