Thursday, August 30, 2007

Hypothetical Foolishness

Let's say, hypothetically, that one was a foolish and naive 19-year-old college sophomore sorority girl, back in, oh, let’s say, 1992. And let's say, also hypothetically, that one foolish and naïve 19-year-old-sophomore-sorority-girl was still nursing a tender heart broken by Boy Who Decided to Become a Priest, and had not yet met One True Love Boy.

Theoretically, in this sad period of time between Boy Who Decided to Become a Priest and One True Love Boy, such a girl MIGHT dabble experimentally on-and-off-and-on-and-off with Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy

And let’s say, just speculatively, during those oh-so-confusing days of early 1992, that one 19-year-old-sorority-girl-sophomore had had a rather nasty argument with Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy. An argument that ended badly.

Hypothetically speaking, if, a few days after the argument that ended badly, one 19-year-old-sophmore-sorority-girl had listened to two straight hours of The Smiths and then consumed, perhaps, ¾ of a bottle of Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm and wandered over to the fraternity house of Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy, and proceeded to play tonsil honkey with Random-Boy-From-the-College-Football-Team, whilst sitting on Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy’s couch (because one foolish and naïve 19-year-old-college-sophomore-girl might have thought this behavior was the best revenge against whatever discretion committed by Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy that led to the argument that ended badly)…and, for the sake of argument, let’s say that one incredibly stupid and monumentally foolish 19-year-old-girl dragged Random-Boy-From-The-College-Football-Team back to her dorm room, after insuring that any number of Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy’s fraternity brothers witnessed said hypothetical exodus…

Imagine, in theory, that said girl, in an effort to put off the affections of her (understandably confused and thoroughly used and misled) companion then proceeded to pretend to vomit into her own wastebasket, followed by pretending to pass out on her own bedroom floor, causing, hypothetically, Random-Boy-From-the-College-Football-Team to put said girl, fully-clothed, into her bed and leave said girl’s room. Perhaps leaving a very expensive (hypothetical) leather jacket behind…

And let’s say that, the next day, one True Blue Girlfriend Named Jen Who Was Also the Trainer for the Football Team assisted stupid, naïve and foolish 19-year-old-college-sophomore-girl in returning said hypothetically expensive jacket to Random-Boy-From-The-College-Football-Team. After which, one stupid-naïve-and-foolish-19-year-old-college-sophomore-girl never spoke of the incident which, in her mind, she just might have labeled, “the incredibly, amazingly, monumentally stupid, brainless, dangerously idiotic night of too much Boone’s Farm from which this girl was very lucky to have escaped unscathed and thank-god Random-Boy-From-the College-Football-Team was not a date rapist” (which is kind of a long name for an incident, to be honest)….

Imagine that said girl spent the next two years studiously avoiding Random-Boy-From-the-College-Football-Team and threw herself into her classes and maintaining a kick-ass GPA, and some Shakespeare, and the arms of One True Love Boy, and THEN thereafter spent a good thirteen years really never thinking about said incident at all…

And, hypothetically speaking, when foolish and naïve 19 year old sophomore sorority girl had grown up to become, well, let’s just say, an all-grown-up Law Mommy…and all-grown-up Law Mommy happened to step through the doors of a courthouse one incredibly rainy and drippy afternoon, looking like a drowned rat, accompanied by her very pregnant assistant, also looking like a drowned rat…where soaking-wet-drowned-rat-looking Law Mommy came face-to-face, for the first time in 13 years, with Random-Boy-From-the-College-Football-Team-Who-Was-Thank-God-Not-A-Date-Rapist, who was now New-Civil-Courthouse-Clerk

Well, hypothetically, what do you suppose a strong, brave and fearless all-grown-up Law Mommy would do in such a situation?

Speculatively, do you suppose that Law Mommy would look Random-Boy-From-The-College-Football-Team-Who-Is-Now-New-Civil-Courthouse-Clerk in the face when he asked, “Hey, didn’t you go to Cute Small Liberal Arts College?”, lie furiously, and say, “No. No…I went to…Indiana. Bloomington. I’m an IU alum, that’s me.” And then turn to her assistant and say, “So…when is that baby shower again?” whilst shoving her out the door???

And would Law Mommy then phone True Blue Girlfriend Named Jen who helped orchestrate the infamous return of the leather jacket and tell her that she had just run smack dab into Long Buried Embarrassing Incident From The Past?

And hypothetically speaking, would it be inappropriate for Law Mommy to avoid that particular floor of the courthouse for, say, the rest of her career???



Blogger KelleyO said...

Ewwwww! I hate when that happens! Poor Law Mommy!

Thursday, August 30, 2007 4:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Christina said...

Oh My Gosh!!! Thus proving the world is simply too small! And that perhaps, it's best to move to a state very very far from your college after graduation. (which, ahem, is what I did!)

Thursday, August 30, 2007 5:06:00 PM  
Blogger Danielle said...

BRAVO!! Well saved my dear. But you must tell me who this footbal boy is. Do I know him??

Thursday, August 30, 2007 8:29:00 PM  
Blogger Carma said...

I am still LOL very much. I just love how you tell your stories.

Thursday, August 30, 2007 8:37:00 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Classic. Thank god I went to college like 20 hours or so away from here!

Thursday, August 30, 2007 8:48:00 PM  
Anonymous E. said...

Oh my gosh you crack me up! That is too funny!

Thursday, August 30, 2007 9:14:00 PM  
Blogger S. said...

Good times, good times! Boone's farm, that was some good stuff...but seriously, I am sure he just thinks it was funny, and why not get a laugh out of it together? Of all the embarrassing things people have done in college, I don't think you need to avoid the guy.

Thursday, August 30, 2007 9:31:00 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

I have to agree, I hate it when that happens.....

Thursday, August 30, 2007 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

oh my gosh, how funny!

Friday, August 31, 2007 6:47:00 AM  
Blogger StorkWatcher said...

Isn't it funny how life just cannot resist reminding us of the DUMBEST moments of our lives???

Friday, August 31, 2007 12:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would not worry about it. I can't see where you did anything wrong, and I am a bit of a moral policeman. You were not married, you were not engaged; why should you not kiss who you wanted? I am sure he was glad to kiss you back. There is no law about drinking too much wine, a bottle of wine is a not a horrible amount.

You must have found something likable about the guy, even if you were flown with wine as Jane Austen would put it. He was a nice guy and didn't take advantage.

I think I would arrange to run into him again and say something like, wow what a blast from the past. After I left I remembered that I knew you after all. How have you been doing? ..... If he is in the same building you don't want to feel silly avoiding him.

Friday, August 31, 2007 1:21:00 PM  
Blogger maxhelcal said...

That's hysterical!

Wonder what ever happened to Curiously Charming But Vaguely Not Trustworthy Boy????

Friday, August 31, 2007 3:38:00 PM  
Blogger niobe said...

Hypothetical-all-grown-up Law Mommy is thinking about avoiding that particular floor of the courthouse for the rest of her career?

If it were hypothetical me, I'd probably be thinking about a move far, far away from a certain medium-sized midwestern city. Or perhaps a career change.

Friday, August 31, 2007 5:56:00 PM  
Blogger Perpetual Procrastinator said...

Hypothetically speaking, it all might make for a very entertaining story....

Saturday, September 01, 2007 1:51:00 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Do you want some actual real advice?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007 5:18:00 PM  
Blogger La Turista said...

See, if that were me, which it totally could have been, BTW, I would have actually thrown up in the trashcan.

Friday, September 07, 2007 2:45:00 PM  

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