Saturday, August 08, 2009

Yet I never wonder where you went, I only wonder why, I wonder why...*

Three months have passed since Kelsey disappeared. Then has been no word, no sign, no hope.

It is as if she fell off the face of the earth.

Three people have been arrested and charged with crimes that are believed to be, in a roundabout way, related to her disappearance. They were supposed to go to trial next week in Federal Court in Oregon, but their trial date has been pushed into December.

I am glad I resisted the part of me that wanted to buy a plane ticket to Portland so I can sit in the courtroom next week. (And truly, MAM and Nicole should be grateful I resisted the urge to call you both and beg YOU to sit in the courtroom, to tell me if she was there...)

Most of my brain has given up hope. But there is a tiny sliver of hope that she was placed in protective custody, that despite the police and FBI and the prosecutor's denials, that she was taken somewhere to keep her safe so that she can testify against the people who are believed to have harmed her. But, as I've said, the police, the FBI, the prosecutor - they seem as anxious to find her as we are. I find myself hoping that they are class-A liars, and that they have her, someplace - warm and safe and dry and breathing.

But most of the time...forgive me for saying this...most of the time, I almost hope that she has left us. Because if she IS still alive, and she ISN'T with the good guys...the stark reality is that she is with people who have every reason to hurt her, that she is existing in a truth that is probably worse than not-existing at all.

In the darkest hours of nights when I cannot sleep, I am haunted by thoughts of where she might be now. These thoughts make my stomach churn.

I took this confession to my mother. "Is it wrong to hope that she's dead instead of hurting?" My mother tells me she doesn't know if it's wrong, but that she feels the same way. "If she's left us...she's with Grandpa and she's in a better place." My mother just squeezed my hand.

LM

* Concrete Blonde, Caroline

9 Comments:

Blogger Graced said...

So sorry. I wish I could offer something more than prayers.

Saturday, August 08, 2009 1:43:00 PM  
OpenID mrsbroccoliguy said...

How awful. How terribly, terribly awful. I am so sorry. And I am praying that God's hand is on Kelsey, wherever she is.

Saturday, August 08, 2009 2:14:00 PM  
Blogger thecurryseven said...

I am so sorry she is still missing. I will be praying for her (and for you and your family).

e

Saturday, August 08, 2009 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger mam said...

I too am just squeezing your hand. And I will definitely sit in that courtroom come December...and if they find her and if she's here, I will do all I can to help her.

Saturday, August 08, 2009 9:42:00 PM  
Blogger Melissia said...

I understand. As awful as it sounds, during a very terrible year in 2006 our son was in Iraq and was in the platoon that had three of the soldiers that were kidnapped and later found killed by the insurgents. Thanks to the power of the internet and the news media we knew exactly what unit was involved and where our son was and could figure out that out that of 15 soldiers 4 were dead. It was only 24 hours until families were notified, but it is a terrible thing to pray that if your child is one of the four that he please be the one that was killed outright, or that they all
managed to die quickly. What a terrible world we live in.
I have continued to keep and your family as well as Kelsey and hers in my thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, August 08, 2009 11:54:00 PM  
Blogger Terynn said...

Since you reported her missing, I have occasionally checked on Kelsey's story by looking for more recent news articles about her disappearance.

I knew you would update your blog, if you had news, but I was just hoping something would suddenly happen and the mystery would be solved; she would be returned or would return on her own.

I am sorry that your family has to feel these things and wonder these questions. Continued prayers for you and yours...

Sunday, August 09, 2009 11:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Elaine said...

I don't think it is wrong to hope she is dead instead of hurting. I mean, obviously you hope she is alive and not hurting, but I don't blame you at all for thinking the other thing as well. I am so sorry she is still missing and your family is still dealing with this. I hope they are all class-A liars and that she is safe and in protective custody.

Sunday, August 09, 2009 6:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Stacy said...

I'm sorry that there hasn't been resolution - of whatever kind it has to be - on this for you and your family. Every time I see a new post from you, I hope it is with good news on the situation (as much as I enjoy the rest of your posts). I do understand what you mean about how you are thinking. I hope for peace for you, Kelsey and your family on this soon.

Sunday, August 09, 2009 8:05:00 PM  
Anonymous metaphase said...

Oh, this makes me feel so...I don't even know what to say. I can't even imagine all the emotions your family is feeling. I'm just so sorry for you all.

Monday, August 10, 2009 8:46:00 AM  

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