Yet I never wonder where you went, I only wonder why, I wonder why...*
Three months have passed since Kelsey disappeared. Then has been no word, no sign, no hope.
It is as if she fell off the face of the earth.
Three people have been arrested and charged with crimes that are believed to be, in a roundabout way, related to her disappearance. They were supposed to go to trial next week in Federal Court in Oregon, but their trial date has been pushed into December.
I am glad I resisted the part of me that wanted to buy a plane ticket to Portland so I can sit in the courtroom next week. (And truly, MAM and Nicole should be grateful I resisted the urge to call you both and beg YOU to sit in the courtroom, to tell me if she was there...)
Most of my brain has given up hope. But there is a tiny sliver of hope that she was placed in protective custody, that despite the police and FBI and the prosecutor's denials, that she was taken somewhere to keep her safe so that she can testify against the people who are believed to have harmed her. But, as I've said, the police, the FBI, the prosecutor - they seem as anxious to find her as we are. I find myself hoping that they are class-A liars, and that they have her, someplace - warm and safe and dry and breathing.
But most of the time...forgive me for saying this...most of the time, I almost hope that she has left us. Because if she IS still alive, and she ISN'T with the good guys...the stark reality is that she is with people who have every reason to hurt her, that she is existing in a truth that is probably worse than not-existing at all.
In the darkest hours of nights when I cannot sleep, I am haunted by thoughts of where she might be now. These thoughts make my stomach churn.
I took this confession to my mother. "Is it wrong to hope that she's dead instead of hurting?" My mother tells me she doesn't know if it's wrong, but that she feels the same way. "If she's left us...she's with Grandpa and she's in a better place." My mother just squeezed my hand.
* Concrete Blonde, Caroline