We can begin again, shed our skin, let the sun shine in...At the edge of the ocean we can start over again*
Some schools of thought tell us that there are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
A lesser known theory tells us there are only three stages - Numbness, Disorganization and Reorganization.
The second theory feels more recognizable to me, and I think I am bouncing back and forth between numbness and disorganization.
When I say, "My uncle died".... people who don't understand my situation don't understand my grief.
Probably, most people only see their uncles at Christmas and Easter...Sure, they are sad. But it's not a life alterating sadness.
Probably they didn't work with their uncle every day for seven years. Probably they didn't learn how to be a lawyer (or a plumber, or a doctor or a carpenter) from their uncle. Probably they didn't have lunch with their uncle every other Sunday for decades.
I am mourning the loss of a man who was such a huge part of my life.
This is a much more depressing intro than I meant it to be.
At the beginning of the year, I started trying to lose weight, and I did pretty well, losing 10 lbs.
Except that, in my sadness, frustration, (anger, denial) - I have gained back 9 of those 10 lbs.
And it's time to begin again. Or to try to begin again. Or to try to strive for either acceptance or re-organization.
This grief has enveloped me with a very literal weight around my neck (er, abdomen).
I'm going to lose it.
I've spent the last five years worrying that J~ would die.
And then, J~ died.
All of the time I spent worrying, all of the anxiety that wracked my body and soul - did nothing to stave off the worst case scenario. All of the worrying in the world did not prevent the end outcome that I was so very worried about.
Worry and anxiety does not give me an iota of control over vicious raging cancers or out of control drivers.
I am going to let go of this anxiety, and I'm going to let go of this weight, I'm going to grieve J~ until the grief is fully realized, and then I'm going to find my way towards acceptance, or re-organization.
* Ivy, Edge of the Ocean