Saturday, July 17, 2010

We can begin again, shed our skin, let the sun shine in...At the edge of the ocean we can start over again*

Some schools of thought tell us that there are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

A lesser known theory tells us there are only three stages - Numbness, Disorganization and Reorganization.

The second theory feels more recognizable to me, and I think I am bouncing back and forth between numbness and disorganization.

When I say, "My uncle died".... people who don't understand my situation don't understand my grief.

Probably, most people only see their uncles at Christmas and Easter...Sure, they are sad. But it's not a life alterating sadness.

Probably they didn't work with their uncle every day for seven years. Probably they didn't learn how to be a lawyer (or a plumber, or a doctor or a carpenter) from their uncle. Probably they didn't have lunch with their uncle every other Sunday for decades.

I am mourning the loss of a man who was such a huge part of my life.

This is a much more depressing intro than I meant it to be.

At the beginning of the year, I started trying to lose weight, and I did pretty well, losing 10 lbs.

Except that, in my sadness, frustration, (anger, denial) - I have gained back 9 of those 10 lbs.

And it's time to begin again. Or to try to begin again. Or to try to strive for either acceptance or re-organization.

This grief has enveloped me with a very literal weight around my neck (er, abdomen).

I'm going to lose it.

I've spent the last five years worrying that J~ would die.

And then, J~ died.

All of the time I spent worrying, all of the anxiety that wracked my body and soul - did nothing to stave off the worst case scenario. All of the worrying in the world did not prevent the end outcome that I was so very worried about.

Worry and anxiety does not give me an iota of control over vicious raging cancers or out of control drivers.

I am going to let go of this anxiety, and I'm going to let go of this weight, I'm going to grieve J~ until the grief is fully realized, and then I'm going to find my way towards acceptance, or re-organization.


* Ivy, Edge of the Ocean


Blogger teahouse said...

I'm really sorry for your loss. It's earth shattering to have someone so close to you suddenly gone. I think that unless someone has lost someone that close, he/she doesn't really understand that depth of grief and the sense of loss that reminds you of that person's absence every day. Give yourself time to mourn the loss, and over time you'll be able to honor his memory in meaningful ways that will bring you comfort. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and your body, and ::HUGS::

Sunday, July 18, 2010 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

That's all you CAN do. No matter how much you may want to speed it along, grief has it's own time and there is nothing you can do to change that. I hope that you find some moments of peace in all of this.

Monday, July 19, 2010 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Terynn said...

I agree. Grief has its own timetable and agenda and answers to no-one.

I lost my dad-in-law (who is more like my dad, than my icky-real-life dad) just at one year ago and it is still so. sad.

Just be where you are at (don't deny and push through) and love yourself no matter what. I know that is what my dad-in-law and J would want.

One foot in front of the other. One step forward and two steps back.

Monday, July 19, 2010 3:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If eating better and some form of exercise feel good and healthy and give you an outlet for your grief... then I say, good on you! At the same time, I agree with the others, don't put pressure on yourself or make yourself feel guilty about a few pounds right now. You have suffered a very real, very deep loss. Be good to you. ::hugs and prayers coming your way::

Monday, July 19, 2010 9:17:00 PM  
Blogger mam said...

Wishing you gentleness and ease on your way to reorganization.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010 1:57:00 PM  

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