Thursday, February 23, 2006

Do we "deserve" parenthood?

I made the mistake of asking my sister-in-law (who lives down the street from my mother-in-law) if my mother-in-law was "over" the shock of the news about our decision to adopt.

My sister-in-law was very quiet for a second.

She attempted to change the subject by bringing up the fact that the Loon Leaders (um, our in-laws) vacation to Las Vegas had been "messed up."

Yes, I'm sad for them on that front. It IS unfortunate that the plane was delayed and that it is snowing, and that, evidently, there was some kind of shooting at a casino.

Then she said, "she just thinks that he [my husband] 'deserves' another child of his OWN."

Not surprisingly, I turned the conversation back around to the shooting in the casino. While silently my blood boiled.

Does he? Does he "deserve" another child of his OWN?

Um, not withstanding that the child we adopt will be our OWN, in the sense that we are going to freaking fly halfway around the planet and wade through a river of red tape for the privelege of getting to CHOOSE him (or her) and make him (or her) our OWN - does anyone DESERVE biological children?

And why is it that it is my husband who "deserves" this and my BODY the vessle through which his just desserts should be delivered?

It may sound like I am angry with my husband right now, which is fully not true. I am angry with his FAMILY. Totally different.

I know a LOT of people who HAVE biological children who sure as shooting don't DESERVE them. Come to think of it, I understand that there are adoptive parents who don't DESERVE their children either. (These wretched folks for example: (I wish I could make that link look all pretty, but, I don't know how.)

And I know at least two women who I love like sisters who DESERVE (in my humble opinion) children and who are having a horrible time trying to get them. (And if I were handing out viable fetuses, I would certainly hand one to each of them LONG BEFORE I would put one in my own body.)

The fact remains that my husband and I have been BLESSED with a child, who we love and cherish, and I don't really know that the fact that he shares our genes has anything to do with how much we love him. And within the next 16 months we will be blessed with another child, who we will grow to love fiercly. And I know that this is so, because, I firmly believe, some mothers fall in love with their children immediately, and some mothers fall in love with their chidlren gradually, over time. And I know that I am firmly grounded in the second camp. And to paraphrase the woman who wrote The Girlfriends' Guide to Motherhood - "I would have been hard pressed to throw myself in front of a tricycle for my 2 week old baby, but, I would have thrown myself in front of an F-16 for my two year old." I KNOW how to fall in love with a child little by little and piece by piece. And call me crazy, but, I think that makes me a good candidate for adoption, since I don't have a CLUE what it means to love an infant the second it tears through my most private and delicate parts. BECAUSE THAT WAS NOT MY EXPERIENCE. I accept that it happens. But instant love was simply not on the delivery table with me.

My sisters do not share my dna - we were a thrown together Brady Bunch type family when we were all to young to remember much about anything - and the fact that my sisters do not share my dna does not make them any LESS my sisters, does it? Did I deserve a biological sister? Why? If I had had a biological sister, maybe I would not have been blessed with my two non-biological sisters. I would have missed out on them. That would have sucked.

Some families are born. And some families are chosen. And some families are blended bits of the born and the chosen. Why is that not okay?


Blogger Danielle said...

I am thinking of you. And yes, adopting is having your OWN child!!! His family is just F**ked up. It will all come together. Waiting with my fingers crossed.

Thursday, February 23, 2006 2:44:00 PM  
Blogger Space Mom said...

WTF? Sigh...

What is it with OWN children and the thought that bio kids are somehow better than kids brought into the family via adoption?


Thursday, February 23, 2006 3:12:00 PM  

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