Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Have I mentioned

that I am still depressed? Because, yeah, I am. Yesterday evening I came home and Dung's file was sitting in the middle of my living room coffee table where we had left it on Monday evening. I snatched it up and stuffed it back into its FedEx envelope and hid it under a pile of Gabe's board games. I was going to throw it away but, I couldn't do it. I couldn't extinguish that tiny flame of hope that the committee will look at my family's file and say, "This IS the family. This IS Dung's family. Who cares if the other families already have homestudy's done, this child MUST go to this family."

Um...not. So, possibly, after they give us the bad news next week I will be able to bring myself to throw away the pictures of that little face and all his accompanying documentation.

I had lunch yesterday with one of my best Girlfriends, S. S. is on maternity leave with a 9 week old baby. (Kudos and mad props to my girl S. who has been faithfully pumping for NINE LONG WEEKS because her baby had a "weak suck" (possibly from being forcibly evicted from her mother with forceps because her fist was stuck in her mouth) and wouldn't nurse but has been getting pumped milk from her mom - THAT is dedication! I am pretty sure if I had had to pump and bottle feed I would have given up long before 9 weeks had passed.)

Anyway, S. had that deer-caught-in-the-headlights-ready-to-cry-haven't-had-more-than-4-consecutive-hours-of-sleep-in-two-months look on her face, and I am sure I had my "hopes-dashed" look on my face, so, we were good company. I promised her it would get better. She promised me some child would love to come and live at my house, so, it's all good...except that I ate a whole plate of garlic beef AND an eggroll - pretty much blowing weight watchers away for the day.

Anyway, today I am still sad, even after I talked to my mother, who had this wise thing to say, "The committee is still considering you - why are you sad NOW? And you should rewind 8 weeks to when you told me that every time you walked by the girl's clothes racks at the mall you stop and think about what you would dress your DAUGHTER in. Maybe this child isn't for you. Maybe you will get a son, but, maybe you will get a daughter. Maybe you should let yourself be open to the child this agency wants to place with you, and not anxious for a child that they DON'T want to place with you."

Why is everybody so much more level headed than me??

I should remind myself of SOME THINGS THAT DON'T SUCK. Maybe I need a new post for that...


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