Monday, April 17, 2006

We Just Don't Know What to Do

Some of you may be wondering about Tam. (Thang - um, Tam is just easier, and it doesn't make me think about my college theater troupe members accusing eachother of "acting like "Miss Thang" (rhymes with twang) when they were ticked at eachother.)

Okay. Tam. Tam appears to be a very sweet little boy. He will be five in a few months. He is exactly 18 months younger than Gabriel.

One other family is interested in Tam, but, they have not yet decided if they want to formally request him.

If Husband and I decide to formally ask for him, this will force the other family to make a decision - they will have to "fish or cut bait" as it were. However, our agency hasn't specified exactly how much time they will give the other family to make that decision. They've had the file for "several weeks" though. We have only had the file since Thursday.

When we got the previous file, on C~ H~ Dung, I really felt that, within a few days, I was in love with that little boy. I stared at his pictures. I carried his file with me everywhere - from church to work to family and friends homes. I was so certain he was meant to be my son.

And when he was given to the other family, my heart was broken. Crushed. Smushed.

So, now I am looking at the file of this little boy, who is about 18 months older than that other child, and 18 months younger than my little boy Gabe.

And I feel very clinical about the whole thing. He sounds like a sweet boy. He is a handsome child. He is EXTREMELY attached to his foster mother and to another child who is fostered with him.

He is smart, and he has admirable qualities. (For example, he defends his foster sister if other children pick on her. He makes friends with adults in his neighborhood and goes to visit them after school or on Sundays. He asks about his foster mother's health when she is ill and won't leave her side if she is really sick. He convinced his foster mother to buy him a bicycle and is training himself to ride it. TRAINING HIMSELF TO RIDE IT.) I think these would be admirable qualities in a ten year old, heck, in a 25 year old. I find them remarkable in a four year old child who was abandoned by his mother and raised in an orphanage and then in a foster home.

I suspect this little boy has a strong will and a fighting spirit.

He is not the toddler I have been thinking about. (But, really, when I started this process I thought I was going to end up a little girl from China, so, honestly, my expectations are all out the window anyway.)

He is not C~ H~ Dung. (But, that child is not ever going to be mine. As much as it hurt, that child is not ever going to be mine.)

I'm just not sure how to proceed. Is that fact that I didn't immediately fall in love with this child a product of the fact that I was so so so badly burned by being denied C~ H~ Dung, and I am not going to let that happen again until I am sure that I can bring him home? Or is it because he is just not meant to be mine?



Blogger Christina said...

LM, I can really relate to what you are saying. When we got our daughter R's referral (4+ years ago) it was absolutely love at first sight - she was only about 2 months old in the picture.
When we got Zeeb's referral (probably about 2 years old in the pics) I thought he was kind of cute and I liked everything about him, but it wasn't love at first sight. That kind of freaked me out. I wondered if that meant he wasn't the one or that adopting an older child was a big mistake. For me, after praying and having his pictures (plus updates) for the last 5 months, the love is really growing and I know I will love him when we meet.
But for you it's different. You're in the odd position of being given a lot of choice - Tam wasn't referred to you exactly and I think that makes a difference. Maybe it would help to step back and decide how old of a child you are really comfortable with? Maybe 5 is older than your heart was hoping for? Also, is it that you really want a girl? We had an opportunity to consider a SN waiting girl from Thailand and although she sounded sweet and good for our family and all that, I couldn't stop thinking "but what about the little boy waiting for us in Vietnam?"
Anyway, you do have a big decision in front of you and I'll be praying for God to give you peace as you make it.

Monday, April 17, 2006 1:26:00 PM  
Blogger Robinson 4 said...

Oi. What a hard decision.
I could see how your heart would be guarded against getting attached to another boy. However, I think that you would feel just as clinical with any photo. It's a tough decision. They've had his file for weeks. I think if they get pressured, they'll step aside. I'd never be able to look at the file of a little one I thought could really be mine and not formally accept them in a heart beat.
I hope you get your answer soon!

Monday, April 17, 2006 1:27:00 PM  

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