I'm not quite sure why I am so angry...

but I am. Really, truly, just p*ssed off. Mad at the universe.

Part of it is this:

http://cancerbaby.typepad.com/cancerbaby/

I did not know this woman in person, but, I read her blog, back to the beginning of it. She was eloquent. She was...strong. She was funny, even, sometimes, in the face of personal tragedy. She was only 33 years old. She was loved, I am sure, by many many people - a husband, friends, family.

And she was killed on Friday, by something bigger than all of us. Ovarian cancer.

From her blog entries, she wanted to be a mother, and she wanted to live. And her options for motherhood were limited after they had to take out all her girly bits, and her options for becoming an adoptive mother were stripped from her when her cancer struck her again. And now it has stolen even her options for breathing, and DAMMIT. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

There are people who go through every day of their lives doing horrible things to their children and to other people. People who take pornographic pictures of their little girls and post them on the Internet. People who adopt children from Russia and then keep them locked in basements and who later have to testify about their sex abuse in front of Congress. (Did anybody else see that footage last week?? Who else wanted to rip that adoptive father limb from limb?) People who steal things, and lie, and cheat and corrupt. Men who kill women. Women who kill men. Grown ups who kill children.

And damned if I can figure out why on earth LOTS AND LOTS of those people will probably smoke and eat bacon three times a day and they will live, anyway. They will live to be nasty, lying corrupt senior citizens, probably.

And good, caring, eloquent, fabulous people...get smacked with ovarian cancer or breast cancer or heart disease or a semi-truck or genetic disorders, AND IT'S NOT FAIR.

It's...not...fair.

I was reading the newspaper this morning, and two things did not help my mood. One was an article about women having babies after 40. And they were interviewing one woman who said, "the doctor told me I would never be a mother, but, I prayed about it. He [the child she later gave birth to in spite of the doctor] is a faith baby. I prayed for him, and he came."

I am bothered by this statement for two reasons. First because, just because a doctor says you won't have a biological child does not mean the doctor is telling you, you won't ever be a MOTHER. OBVIOUSLY, there are alternative methods to becoming a mother. So, that crawled up my craw and bit me hard.

But, the other thing that bugged me was the statement that she got pregnant because she prayed about it.

Um...cause I know a lot of people who have prayed about pregnancy - both for and against it.

And sometimes they get pregnant, and sometimes they don't get pregnant, and many women who want desparately to become pregnant, and who pray about it with a true, open heart...will never become pregnant, and others will become pregnant in spite of their best efforts NOT to become pregnant. (Ask the wife of a Methodist minister I know, who became pregnant after her husband's vasectomy. She will tell you, God has his own agenda.)

Maybe I am misconstruing this woman's words, because what I heard when I read them was, "If you just pray hard enough about something, it will happen, and if it doesn't happen, you must not be praying hard enough."

And I think that is a crap attitude. I think God has a plan for each of us, and maybe sometimes what we want for ourselves is also what God wants for us, and in that case, we feel God has answered our prayers. But, when he doesn't answer our prayers - does that mean we are not in God's favor? Does that mean we didn't pray hard enough or with enough sincerity?

No, I don't think that's what that means. I think it means God has another idea. But, I do think that's what the mother of the "faith baby" meant. And while it is undoubtedly un-Christian of me to say so, it makes me want to find and slap the sh*t out of her. (Did I mention I am ANGRY today???)

The other thing that made me want to poke my own eyes out with a fork was an article about a woman who was fired from her teaching position at a private school because she became pregnant through IVF. She became pregnant through IVF and the school FIRED HER. For violating church teaching. I am not sure the details of this - whether or not her bosses asked her how she came to be pregnant - "Excuse me, Gertrude, could you tell me if you got pregnant boffing your husband in the usual way, or were there medical personnel involved, because we think having such information effects your ability to teach second grade." I don't know the details...but, I read it right after the article about the faith baby, and I had to put the paper on the recycle bin and eat some chocolate, or my head was going to explode.

Which is when I logged on here, and discovered the death of cancerbaby...and, well, I think I am going to have to go find some more chocolate, now, or bad things might happen..

Mad at the universe...
LM