Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Two Seconds Away From Panic

All day I've felt like I am two seconds away from a full-on panic attack.

I draw in breath and forget to let it out, I stare at the piles of files and papers on my desk and become convinced it is an insurmountable mountain of work, that I cannot possibly be ready to leave in a week's time, that I cannot possibly have all the paperwork I need, that I cannot possibly have my visa (um...yeah, I actually called home and asked Husband to LOOK INSIDE the passports to make sure the visas were still there. Hmm...who did I think took them? The Victor-the-Invisible-Visa-Napper?)

Let's see, other random terrified thoughts running through my mind - that I will actually physically die if I am away from Gabriel for so long, or, on the flip side, that something terrible will happen to Gabriel while we are gone - that he will get lost, that whoever is supposed to be caring for him on any given day will forget that they are supposed to pick him up or drop him off or meet his school bus after school. That he will get sick, that he will get sad, that he will never forgive us for leaving him for so long, that Skype won't work, that my parents won't be able to figure out how to make Skype work, that Vietnam will be struck by a typhoon/earthquake/monsoon while we are there, that our house will be struck by a tornado/earthquake/random flaming asteroid while we are gone; that Lan will hate us, that Lan will refuse to come with us, and on and on and on and on and on it goes.

It's possible that I have become a crazy person in the last few weeks. It's possible I was crazy all along and that this has just shoved me right over the edge of the CLIFFS of INSANITY.

Cross your fingers for me that my head doesn't explode,


Blogger Nicki said...

That sounds exactly right. If you were any other way, I would be worried about your mental health. I am convinced that this pre-adoption insanity is part of the process in some profound bigger picture kind of way. Like transition in labor. Nothing is more intense but so close to the gratifying end goal and so important in the process. So ride it, baby! And don't forget the epidural! Haha

Wednesday, December 27, 2006 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

I can't imagine that you would be any other way right now. It is almost time for you to get your daughter! Just keep breathing, you'll make it! lol

(I have been following almost all of the Vietnam blogs. I just signed up with my google account. Hopefully now Blogger will let me post more often)

Thursday, December 28, 2006 4:53:00 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Is this what I have to look forward to? ;)

Can you hear the tune I am singing? You are gonna get your daughter, you are gonna get your daughter....

I like what Nikki said.

Thursday, December 28, 2006 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I will cross my fingers for no head explosion. But I have to say, I would only be worried about you if you did NOT feel this way. :)

Thursday, December 28, 2006 2:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Christina/Mrs. Broccoli Guy said...

oh I remember that panic so very well. Whenever I thought about things too much I would get really sad and the worries would just multiply. Just keep telling yourself everything will be okay. Because it will, you know. K~ was SO distraught when we left I felt so sad and guilty and worried... and then when we got home she says, "oh I was kind of too busy to miss you too much." So really, don't worry, Gabe will be fine. :-)

Thursday, December 28, 2006 9:07:00 PM  
Blogger Danielle said...

I would assume that this is normal. You are almost ready to have your second child. Think of it like nesting... only this time you have to prepare to nest on a plane, in a different culture and with a 5 year old.... You will be fine. Lana will be fine. The adjustment will be short lived. You will find love with her. She already loves you for accepting her into her new family. You and D are doing an amazing thing and I am honored to be your friend. Miss you, D

Friday, December 29, 2006 7:20:00 AM  
Blogger BruBunch said...

I totally understand because I have (and am having) the exact same thoughts!!

I do remember that, even right after we received our youngest in China a couple of years ago thinking...oh No, what did we do?? The good news is now we can't imagine life without there is hope...all will go well...have peace!!

Friday, December 29, 2006 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Avonlea said...

Breathe and focus on the things you can control - easier said than done, I know.

Friday, December 29, 2006 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

whew! you have a lot going on right now, no wonder you feel like your head is going to explode! I promise you it won't, and I will keep my fingers crossed just in case it helps. Sorry I have not commented in a while, we have been so busy and I have not had a lot of time to get online. But do know that I thought of you often and have you your family and of course little Lan in my prayers. Hang in there!

Sunday, December 31, 2006 9:14:00 AM  

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