Birth Mothers

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about Lana's birthmother lately.

Well, in truth I've been thinking a lot about her foster mother AND her birth mother, and a line from a poem called, "Love Will Grow" which I believe I have mentioned before. The line of the poem is something like, "in your eyes lie memories of other mothers."

This line is particularly true for Lana - memories of another mother. And for her, that mother is Lan, her foster mom. (Yes, the same first name.) When Lana came across a photo of Lan, Phuong (foster sister), Husband and I (from the morning we met them), she was first extremely excited, and happily pointed and said, "Ma!" and pointed to her foster mom, and then a word we didn't understand when she pointed to Phuong, and then "Ba!" when she pointed out David. And then she came to me (I was the last in line in the photo), and she looked confused and freaked out and had a mini-meltdown, and we put the picture away. Her memories of her "Ma" are obviously still very clear to her. And her "Ma" was Lan.

And when I think about Lan (the foster mom), I feel grateful and sad - grateful that she loved this child, that she comforted this child, that she held this child and cared for her and mothered her. I feel sad because I know that Lan (the foster mother) is sad, that she misses Lana, especially right now, this week when Tet is starting.

But, when I think about Lien (birth mother), I just feel...angry.

I know, I know that is SO WRONG on SO MANY levels. But, I'm trying to be honest, and in all honestly, when I think about her, I get mad.

I'm not entirely sure why, but, I think what it comes down to is this:

Lien relinquished her child in November of 2002 to the orphanage. That child (MY child) was matched to a family in America and no doubt Lien was told this. Lana was placed with her foster mom to await departure to the U.S. A departure that didn't happen due to the shutdown.

Fortunately for my daughter, she remained with the foster family for almost four years, awaiting the departure that was 4 years in coming, to Husband and I, and not to the family that was originally matched to her.

I have often wondered, if Lien was informed that Lana had not left Vietnam. I don't know anything for sure, except than on September 26, 2006, Lien signed a new set of relinquishment papers, specifically stating that she had relinquished her in 2002 and was still of a mind to allow Lana to be adopted.

It also has a bit of language where Lien affirms that she "was not married to any person" on Nov. 5, 2002 (the date of Lan's birth.) Perhaps this means she is married now. Perhaps she married shortly thereafter. I don't know. But, I do know, that on September 26, 2006, she signed a paper giving us her daughter, and the address she gave on that day was in DaNang City.

She was supposed to come to the G&R ceremony. But, she didn't come. She did not come to see the people who were taking her daughter to the other side of the planet, and for some reason that I cannot put my finger on exactly, this p*sses me off to no end.

We were told that she lived "too far away" to attend the ceremony, but, that felt like a hollow excuse to me. Four months earlier she was living in the City of DaNang. But, in January she was "too far away" from the city to come?

Logically, I realize that it simply may have been too painful for her to face. Logically I realize that she may have gotten married to someone who knows nothing about the child she relinquished, that she could have jeopordized that relationship. Logically, I know she may have faced losing a job for missing work to attend the ceremony.

But, in my gut, I am furious. Because I jump to the conclusion, that she didn't care enough about Lana to want to know who would love her from now on.

I know it's wrong of me. I do. But, again, I try to be honest here, and this is the cold, hard truth. I am p*ssed at my daughter's birth mother.

I am hoping by putting it out here, in the open, I will be able to get over it. So that by the time Lana understands enough English for me to say anything, I will be able to tell her, and mean it, how much Lien loved her, that she loved her so much she helped to find Husband and I for her. I want to believe that these things are true. I do not want to believe that she didn't care enough to come.

So, there it is. When Lana thinks of her other mother, she thinks of Lan, her foster mom. When I think of Lana's other mother, is is Lan I think of, not Lien.

I know I should be grateful to Lien. I just don't know how to get to that place in my heart.

LM