A Philosophical Question...or, a Question of Priorities

First, I want to say that I had a lovely 4th of July and managed to not almost kill or maim anyone the whole time, except for a couple of Japanese beetles who had, unwisely, flown into my pool. Are you listening, wretched shiny, pinching beetles?? STAY AWAY FROM MY POOL OR I WILL SMITE YOU.

Anyhoo...

Yesterday, as I was lounging in the hammock, listening to Husband playing with the children in the pool, I was reading a book. (Are there too many active verbs in that sentence? I think there might be.)

The book is fiction, but, it's about a woman who embarks on an international adoption. I'm not going to tell you which one it is, because, I don't think the question I'm going to ask would really ruin the book for anyone, especially considering I am only about a third of the way through it, but, if you are senstive about such plot twists I don't want to upset you. (Although, I suppose it is possible that you will leave this post feeling that I have ruined the potential reading experience of any number of fictionalized accounts of international adoption. Yeah...sorry about that.)

Okay, the adoptive mother in this book, after having struggled with infertility, eventually convinces her husband to pursue an adoption (although he is reluctant, having two nearly adult sons from a prior marriage.) The couple loses their original referral, and they are offered a new referral almost immediately by their agency. (This is where the book feels very fictional, because the referral is from an entirely different country, and I was left thinking, "But what about their DOSSIER???" But, that's neither here nor there.) At that point, the husband tells his wife he cannot go forward with the adoption. He cannot. He does not feel that he has it in him to raise another child. And so, the wife gives her husband an ultimatum - essentially, "adopt this baby with me, or I will adopt the baby alone, but, if you refuse the adoption I will leave you."

And he says he cannot do it, and she says she is sorry, and so it seems it is all over between the two of them. (I keep hoping for a happy ending, but, I don't honestly know. I'm not done with the book yet.)

And I, the reader, felt like I had just been kicked in the shin by the character I was starting to be kind of fond of.

Then, the book goes on to describe a conversation that the novel's main character has with mother, explaining why she is separating from her husband. She says, "I need to be a mother more than I need him [her husband]." And she says essentially the same thing to her sister, and her sister says, "I know."

This whole description takes place over less than 5 pages of the novel, so, really, even though it's an important plot point, I don't think I'm ruining the story.

What I found quite shocking was that anyone would leave an otherwise happy marriage over this. And so that is my question - would you leave your spouse, for refusing to adopt a child with you?

Let's take it one step further - would you leave your hypothetical spouse (your otherwise loving, supportive spouse with whom you have an hypothetically healthy relationship) for refusing to have a child with you, regardless whether it was through birth or adoption? (Because it's just too easy a question if the hypothetical spouse is lying, abusive, drunken rat bastard).

I'll answer first, and my answer is "no". I honestly cannot conceive of a such a thing, for *myself*. To contemplate that one might feel a need to mother a hypothetical child, more than one might need one's actual husband is kind of astonishing to me. But, then, I have been accused of being somewhat self-absorbed. And I've also never known any great, all-consuming drive for motherhood. (I love my kids, but, I don't remember feeling a driving NEED to have them before I had them, and I didn't really have to work that hard to get them. I wanted to have a baby, and a year later, I did. I wanted to adopt a toddler, and about a year later, I did. I never felt like options for parenthood were being withheld from me, so, it's possible that my answer is empty.)

So, I'm curious. Would you leave a loving spouse for a hypothetical baby?

Discuss.

LM