We are still looking for Samuel

I talked to the doctor. And Columbus Children's Hospital. And two families who have children with spina bifida. And a fellow adopting mom who knows first hand about spina bifida.

And I felt like I could probably handle the issues raised by the little boy's spina bifida.

But, what I did not feel so confident about was handling the emotional issues faced by a child who has spent the first three years of his life with 700 other children. Without knowing if he has formed attachments to one or two consistent caregivers and no way of finding that out. No way of knowing what his personality or nature is.

We told the agency "no".

I wonder if I am being unfair. I wonder if I am holding up an ideal of the first child, C~ H~ Dung, and comparing him to every other child who comes our way, and finding him lacking...

I know this not fair. But, I really...I loved that little boy. I know you can say I could not have loved a child I did not know. That I only loved the "idea" of that little boy. Maybe so.

Maybe I have not given myself enough time to grieve about him. (I was reading a note from another adoptive mom, who lost out on a daughter the exact same way we lost out on C~ H~ Dung, and she said it was almost three months before she could even think about adopting another child.)

I have written a note to Sam...this is what it says,

Dear Sam,
I know that you are out there, somewhere, waiting for your parents to find you. I am looking for you everywhere, and each false lead makes my heart break. I hope that the next phone call is the phone call telling me that you have been found.

Lately, at night, after I tuck in your brother and read him a book and sing him a song, I lay down in “Sam’s room” and I watch television, and I lie on the quilt with sailboats on it, and I wonder when I will have you home, to tuck both of you in, to sing both of you a song, to read both of you a book? I wonder if you will love books like your brother does. I wonder if you will love to have your back scratched, if will make friends with T~, the little boy across the street.

I know you are out there, Sam. It breaks my heart to know that you may not even know that your mother and father are looking for you, that we want so much to bring you home to your forever family. I promise I will find you, Samuel. I promise.

LM