Monday, October 06, 2008

Are You Muff Enough?

(Warning:  This post is probably not work safe, and it's probably inappropriate for children.)


I was doing some research.  (And by "research" I mean, "sitting in a chair at my friend Jen's salon, reading Marie Claire and Glamour while she highlighted my hair".)  And, what I discovered from this research is that, evidently, "Brazilian waxing" has become extremely popular in some parts of the US.  One of the articles didn't even bother to discuss how wide-spread the practice is, rather the author was taking it as a given that most of her audience was, uh, taking it ALL off, and the point of her article was that she was "trying out" NOT getting a Brazilian.


And I thought, 'has this become so pervasive that there are women for whom NOT getting a Brazilian is avant-garde'? 


Color me skeptical. 


Another article discussed the practice with some OB-GYNs who said that they were having more instances of women calling up, thinking they had contracted some kind of disease, when, in fact, they had an ingrown hair.  Or twelve.  (Think about that.  Think about a bunch of ingrown hairs in, er, that area.  OUCH!) 


The result of this "research" was that I was cringing and crossing my legs protectively. 


Because, what we are talking about is, essentially, covering one's "down there" with piping hot wax, and then letting a near stranger RIP THE HOT WAX from one's body in a violent manner, so as to RIP ALL OF THE HAIR AWAY. 




Look, I spend a great deal of time in the summer by our pool, so, I'm not talking about "taking a little off the sides" or some minor "yard work" so that one can hang out in a bathing suit for hours at a time without revealing whether or not the carpet matches the drapes. 


I'm taking about hot, melted wax in very private crevices and ripping away so much hair that one might be confused with an eleven year old girl.  Which, um, I think is pretty creepy. 


Also, not to over-share or anything (heck, I'm already talking about pubic hair, it's pretty likely that I've already stumbled into the realm of over-sharing), we are talking about a part of the anatomy to which I have an extreme attachment.  A part of my anatomy which, with the exception of the time I pushed a whole human being through it (after which it informed me that if I expected it to perform in the manner to which I was accustomed to it performing that I would have to promise to NEVER, EVER do that to it again), I have only allowed to be, frankly, pampered and treated nicely.  So, I really cannot imagine anyone giving me a good enough reason to have this intimate wax torture performed, save, you know, some kind of life saving surgical procedure.    


Anyway, I decided to do some more "research", and by research in this case, I mean, "emailing some of my girlfriends and asking them to ask their husbands if Brazilian waxing is creepy or sexy, and then emailing the one single male guy I know well enough to ask that question to, and compiling their answers in a totally non-scientific way." 


And the results of this data mining have been very interesting. 


Some men indicated that, as long as they didn't find any other man parts down there that they would just be happy to have 10 minutes alone with their wife's lady bits regardless.


Some men indicated that they would happily navigate through a forest if it meant they were going to, uh, get some. 


One man definitely felt it was sexy, especially on Jennifer Aniston in The Break Up.  (I've never seen this movie, so, I cannot attest to the sexiness or lack thereof this scene.  Except that Jennifer Aniston would probably be sexy in a parka and ratty old long johns, so, I don't know that anyone is surprised that she would be sexy with a, uh, stark naked cooter.)


But, generally speaking, the men whose opinions I got seemed neither here nor there on the subject.  Certainly, there was no great consensus of belief that when they have the opportunity to get naked with their significant other that said significant other should be hairless. 


So, I'm wondering why women are putting themselves through the torture of this procedure when men, generally speaking, are evidently quite happy to visit that area, regardless of whether or not it looks like a naked mole rat? 


Here's another thing that I SUSPECT men already know.  Adult women have hair on their 'down there'.  Why would we perpetuate a myth that we DON'T?  Why perpetuate a myth that it's okay for grown women to look like 11 year old girls?


And one more thing (because I have heard this bandied about as a reason why women are getting Brazilians):  if one's jeans are cut so low that one needs to wax all of one's hair off, ONE'S JEANS ARE TOO LOW.  Seriously.  The general public does NOT want to see your public bone. 




PS – in light of all the political posting these days, I thought about calling this post "In Defense of (My) Bush".  I decided not to go there, but, y'all can appreciate the humor in that post title, right?  Right??



Blogger Melissa said...

Hey! I go a sick, sleeping husband can't be making me laugh out LOUD like that!

Seriously, the P.S was the funniest part. And I am with you, keep any and all hot wax far away from "down there"

Monday, October 06, 2008 12:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Elaine said...

Hahahahaha! I've gotten my eyebrows waxed, once, and really, that was enough with the wax. There are some things that, if you really think they need to be managed, can be managed at home and without wax, you know?

Monday, October 06, 2008 12:28:00 PM  
Blogger Chel said...

This will be TMI, too, but oh well-

I am a fan of the Brazilian. Because of my Spina Bifida, I don't have much "feeling" down there to begin with, and having the hair gone makes a HUGE difference. It's really changed things for me significantly. After ten years of assuming my sex life was pretty much done, all the sudden things are happening again- and that's HUGE for me.

And I know a lot of women with similar problems that feel the same- and very few of them have any sort of neurological problem that caused the lack of sensation. The issue of sexual problems in females is LARGELY ignored by the medical population- men have Viagra and Cialis. We have nothing. I have had some long discussions with my OB/GYN about it and there's literally nothing out there for us save a $500 pump that's pretty much a sex toy and doesn't work with most people. No medications, no lotions, and nothing that can be prescribed without it being "use NOT as directed" meaning insurance doesn't pay for it.

So we do what we can.

The wax doesn't hurt that much, oddly enough. Before I got one, I polled friends with normal bodies, and they all said after one or two times, it's pretty much a non-issue.

My husband doesn't care either way- he just wants me to be happy.

The weird thing is that with younger women, hair removal "down there" is pretty much the norm now- much like legs and armpits are for someone my age (mid-30's). I "eavesdropped" on some young moms chatting on a forum I am on and was surprised when they all talked about waxing and shaving "down there" like it was just a normal part of life. I don't know when that came to be the norm rather than the exception...

I'm just happy it's something I can now do without feeling like I'm the only one and I'm a complete weirdo. If it makes women enjoy sex more, I'm all for it. If the *woman* likes the way it looks, that's great. Some women are just not a fan of hair anyplace but on their heads and eyebrows.

Just presenting an opinion from the other side... sorry for the TMI!!

Monday, October 06, 2008 1:23:00 PM  
Anonymous laura said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Laughing SO hard. I just responded to your email and went ahead and put my comment in the email b/c I'm not sure it was appropriate for your blog. This is the best post ever!

Monday, October 06, 2008 3:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Christina said...

You definitely know how to lighten the mood of the blosphere! :)
Yeah, I basically avoid waxing anything, anywhere. Ever since the nightmare that was the Epilady, I prefer good old fashioned razors, thankyouverymuch! And there's just no. way. I could let a virtual stranger do something like that. Heck, I was even self-consious getting my hair highlighted! (not generally accustomed to wearing tin foil on my head in public...)

Monday, October 06, 2008 4:35:00 PM  
Blogger mam said...

Glad you "girded your loins" enough to post this, so to speak. And REALLY want to know what Laura's comment was in her email!

Monday, October 06, 2008 4:59:00 PM  
Blogger S. said...

Well, I think there is no way a grown woman is gonna look like a young girl down there regardless of her grooming habits, and from my informal surveys, the reason a lot of men appreciate a Brazilian has nothing to do with that. And I also know a lot of women who choose that route because they prefer it...nothing to do with pleasing men. Sort of like how I shave my legs everyday for me, my husband could care less.

Haven't actually gone the whole way...but yeah, it hurts. A lot.

Monday, October 06, 2008 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Ha ha. I wish you would have used the original title. I loved it. I just want to say that it really hurts to be waxed down there. And I agree with S. that the women I know that do it do it more for themselves.

Monday, October 06, 2008 6:08:00 PM  
Blogger Terynn said...

oh dearie me. i laughed very loudly at the original post title. cracked me right up.

TMI follows...

was recently talked into this (brazilian) by two girlfriends who happen to be mother and daughter. that makes the mom friend to be in her fifties and the daughter friend in her thirties, for anyone who is wondering.

oh my. the pain was not like a kidney stone (worst pain I've ever had), not like childbirth (the second worst pain), not like...well, gee, let's just say it was unique. and that things 'down there' were rather ummm...angry for a few days. lol

husband completely noncommittal with his reaction. doesn't care either way.

so, would I do it again? definite maybe. and no-one is more surprised by that than me. live and learn. (shaking head and chuckling).

Monday, October 06, 2008 8:25:00 PM  
OpenID Duchess said...

Okay confession time:
I have been getting a Brazilian since 2002. It started out all innocent when I switched esthetician before my first trip to Europe. D. (my new gal) and I had a bit of a miscommunication and she took it all off. It made everything easier, Aunt flo, sex, doctor appts. Over the years I have gone back and forth sometimes a landing strip sometimes bare and when I found out I was pregnant I went full hedge for the first 14 weeks and then didn't wax again until about 2 weeks ago.
I have never had a problem with it being painful (and at roughly 8 or 9 a year for the last 6+ years I have been round this block) and yet I thought the earth was going to open and swallow me whole...yowza but my OB/GYN got a nice chuckle out of my pain and misery so I guess it wasn't all a waste.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 12:43:00 AM  
Blogger S. said...

OMG go to on March 6 08--I am crying! funniest description ever....

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 9:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Nicki said...

OK this post is one of the best I've read in a long time and the comments come right up there, too!! Very, um, educational! I am with the "keep the wax off my body" group because I am such a wimp that I can barely handle having my eyebrows waxed without tearing up and swearing. I am not sure I could endure the Whole She-bang. Maybe when I get total sedation to have my teeth fixed I can hire an esthetician to take care of my girl parts at the same time? Kill two birds with one stone?! ha.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 11:19:00 AM  
Blogger maxhelcal said...

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! Funny! Love the political twist!

I remember when I first heard of this type of thing and I was almost in disbelief. I'm still scratching my head...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Terynn said...

I am beyond "lol".

I am teary-eyed and doing that slient wheezey dog laugh at the post that S. sent us to on the "Monkey in a Suit" blog.

I can relate to several of those experiences. Too. bigfatstinkin'. funny.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 6:07:00 PM  
Anonymous rainbowmom said...

okay, I've been dying to comment, but I've waited until enough people have commented and moved on...ha! The Brazilian is TOTALLY WORTH IT! It really only hurts the first time or two. And, I've never had any ingrown issues. I completely do it FOR ME. Hair in the nether regions grosses me out. I know way tmi, but it just feels clean and it totally makes sex better (in so many ways). I asked my husband, and he could have cared less, he's just happy to be there. Try it Gretchen, like two or three times when the pain won't bother you. Even after the initial pain goes away, later you will never want hair there ever ever again. I promise you. Don't knock it 'till you try it!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Nicole - Raising Animals said...

I've tried general waxing and thought it was cool. I'd be all on board for a Brazilian if I could find a waxer that I liked. I don't want 100% of it gone, but like 90% would be cool. :-) haha
I'm with Melissa on this one!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008 10:12:00 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Ok, I am normally a lurker, but I had to comment on this.

One of my best friends lives in Atlanta and about a year ago I went to visit her. We decided to have a spa day. I was in the middle of a nice eyebrow shaping session when I heard screaming of monumental proportions coming from the next room. When I realized it was her I ran to the hall and yelled through the door to see if she was ok. All she said was "Bra..Zill..ian" Nough said!

Apparently, she was talking to the waxing lady and on a whim agreed to do it. She could barely walk for days. Now, she is adicted to them. Go figure!!


Tuesday, October 07, 2008 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

For some alternative styles that might be appealing to you, or your partner, check out:, September 22, 2008 post titled Uncle Steve's Laffytime Doodlefest.
I personally like "The Slice"...what more could a man want?

Wednesday, October 08, 2008 4:47:00 PM  
Blogger JenandAsh said...

My husband could care less. In fact, a good portion of the winter, my legs aren't shaved for weeks and weeks, but I am always bare down there. I go back and forth between a landing strip and nothing. I've never had an ingrown hair, never even been itchy during regrowth, and I'm used to the way it looks. I do it because it's what I prefer, nothing to do with my husband. And most other women I know who have brazilians done feel the same way.

And the wax isn't really hot, it's kept warm. I actually like the way it feels when they spread it on, same thing when I get my brows done. It's the removal that actually stings.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008 6:38:00 PM  
Blogger My Franks said...

hmmm I might actually try it!
After a bottle of wine.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008 9:27:00 PM  
OpenID metaphase said...

I'm getting in on this a little late, but I had to say that this is one of the funniest/best posts I have read. It rivals Elaine's Cooter Slushin'. Sad they both had to do with the same subject..!
Anyway, I am not opposed to waxing, but my husband made the comment that the full Brazilian would be a little creepy.

Thursday, October 09, 2008 2:58:00 PM  
Blogger Trannyhead said...

So - I'm also coming to this post late, but please tell me you saw my post this week on "manscaping" when a man shaves all of his pewbs off! What's up with that?! It scares the hell out of me!

Thursday, October 09, 2008 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger Elowyn said...

Too funny. I personally prefer to keep anything painful away from my downstairs (last weekend's date with a scalpel was plenty for the next year or two, thanks.)

The thing I find obnoxious is the new thought that women "should" be having naked nethers. If you want to, fine, but don't tell me that it's gross to be the way I was built. I'm hearing that way too often lately.

Friday, October 10, 2008 7:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 45 years old male. When all of you were asking your hubbies etc, they have some emotional reason not to answer honestly - they are in a relationship with you and don't know how you will react to their actual choice, that's why their non commitment answer. I absolutely love it when my girlfriend has a hairless/smooth fanny.

Going down under just is so much nicer. I would say it is 5 times better - I stay 5 times longer:-)

It also helps that there is not to much of a build-up of body odour.

Monday, August 24, 2009 5:19:00 AM  

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