Tuesday, March 17, 2009

See I'm all About Them Words, Over Numbers, Unencumbered, Numbered Words

I seem to have run out of words.

Normally I have lots of things to say. More things, more words, more topics of conversation, lots of things to write about.

Writing has always been part of who I am, part of WHAT I am.

Yes, I am lawyer, but I write. I write and write and write and I always have.

But for weeks now, months maybe...words fail me.

I would like to tell you an amusing story about how I got stuck in Elevator Number 4 (da*n you, wretched elevator number 4, cursed lift that seems to have some kind of voodoo hoodoo jinx upon it) and how I freaked out while stuck on Elevator Number 4, somewhere between floors 11 and 12, and how I hit the panic emergency button and the vaguely unnerving doorman tried to convince me that I was going to be just fine over the elevator intercom system...

And I'd also like to tell you that being stuck on an elevator for 3 minutes seems A LOT LONGER than 3 minutes, even with a doorman trying to talk you down from a full blown panic attack.

And I'd like to tell you all about how Lana looked at Husband and I last night and told us, with great seriousness, that she "didn't like God very much, because He sends the rain." And how it was very hard not to laugh hysterically at such a thing.

I'd like to be able to tell you about the crippling anxiety I seem to be struggling with right now, but I really don't have courage to go there.

I'd like to be able to put proper words to the idea that I feel a bit like the world's gone completely mad, and I'm not sure what there is to be done about it.

I'd like to express how angry I am about the fact that the folks at AIG, who lost $10,000+ of Husband's retirement money this year, are getting BONUSES. BONUSES. For losing MY HUSBAND'S MONEY. (And yes, I know it was a lot of money for a LOT of people, but in this case...it's PERSONAL.) Who gets a BONUS for losing a GAZILLION dollars? Who? What planet does that happen on??????????

At any rate, I miss writing. I miss my words. I miss story-telling.

I get more satisfaction from writing than from anything else that I can think of, and I'm sad that my writing-bone seems to be busted.

So, for now, I'm going to try to write a little bit every day.

I need to stretch these writing muscles that I think are maybe being atrophied by the aforementioned crippling anxiety.

Forgive me if I don't have a lot to say right now. But I'm nonetheless going to try to be saying a lot of nothing, until I can come up with something.


*Jason Mraz, You and I Both - incidentally, the other day, I heard a version of Bob Dylan's "A Hard Rain is A'Gonna Fall" sung by Jason Mraz, and now I am completely in love with it and I want to hear it again. But it isn't on YouTube which is just sad because I would like to share it with you all...and I cannot seem to find it on any album for sale, either. Anybody know where it can be obtained? (Legally, of course. I'll pay for it, I just cannot seem to find it!)


Blogger Elowyn said...

Re: Jason Mraz - iTunes, darling, for $.99. All 8:12 of it.

Re your J Dohring comment the other day - OMG. Keep me posted. That's a show I'd consider watching... :)

Re: the rest of it - this economy blows. I alternate between following every possible bit of information, and looking for baby sunglasses while watching Paula Deen. Am writing this while holding E, who says pfwegjkggdffft, which I think means "have an ice cream." So there you go. We're all in this together. Keep writing - I'll keep reading.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 6:15:00 PM  
Blogger NeuroMama said...

I'm a longtime reader and infrequent commenter who misses it when you don't post as often. It makes me happy when I check your blog and see that there's something new there to read. So, for my sake, please just fake it till you feel it!

Mom to three adopted from China who found your blog when contemplating a Vietnam adoption

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 6:31:00 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

Well, I love reading whatever you write so will remain a faithful reader as you work on mending your writing bone. As for the anxiety, I get what that can feel like and my golly, it can be so draining. So, please hang in there and be kind to yourself!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 8:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so glad you posted, I have missed you so. I always save your blog for last... kinda like dessert.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 8:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Elaine said...

Even if you think you're saying nothing, you are always saying something worth reading. The world does seem to have gone mad in so many ways. I wish I had something helpful to say RE the anxiety, but I seem to lean more towards depression myself . . .

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 10:37:00 PM  
Blogger mam said...

I don't think you use iTunes, though, so try this: http://mog.com/music/Jason_Mraz. If you do a "find" on the page for "dylan" you'll jump to the place to play it. Wow, it really is beautiful. Yours in paralyzing anxiety,


Wednesday, March 18, 2009 9:38:00 AM  

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