Circling the Drain, Throw It All Away, Just to Get High*
I don't know much about heroin. I don't know how it's made, or how it's affects the brain, or why it's so very addictive.
I have trouble conceiving of the circumstances that would lead a rational person to inject it into their veins. (Possibly because I hate needles. I mean, I HATE needles. I haven't been to a vaccination appointment for my children since Gabriel was six weeks old. The nurses asked Husband to come alone after that. True story.)
What I do know about heroin is this:
Once upon a time, there was a boy. He was bright, he made me laugh, and he had a beautiful smile. He was charming and kind. On more than one occasion, as children, he stood between me and another member of my extended family who was, at that time, full of rage and anger.
Unfortunately, I have spent the last 15 years watching him try to kill himself with heroin.
What I know about heroin is that it can take a boy who is, by nature, kind and gentle, and turn him into a man who did horrible things when he was high. Horrible things.
I have spent the last 15 years worrying that he would kill himself and it did not occur to me that there are worse outcomes than that.
Because what is worse than watching someone you love kill themselves with heroin is watching them take someone else with them. And succeeding.
There are a lot of things I would like to say to him right now.
I trusted you. I helped you. I CARED ABOUT YOU. You hurt me. And now you have hurt another family immeasurably and there is nothing that can be done to undo it. And my heart is broken.
*Nickelback, Just to Get High - forgive me for two posts in one day referencing to same album. I have been listening to this album, and in particular, this song, for ten days now. The song is here - Nickelback - Just to Get High