Sunday, February 07, 2010

Where the very loud voices of my own fears, Ringin' and ringin' in my ears

I'm not sure how to categorize what I am feeling right now.

I was chatting with MAM the other day, and I asked her if she thought there was a such a thing as "anticipatory grief." She agreed that it was possible.

It's the only way I can think to describe this miasma of emotions.

Husband is at the airport right now, picking up my cousin at the airport. She is J~'s only child.

The decision that she should come home was made in the last 48 hours.

And what we are telling ourselves right now is that it would cheer J~ up to see his daughter.

But in the back of my head, in the dark places where monsters dwell, I hear the whispers that she is coming now, because if she doesn't come now...she may not have a chance to say good-bye.

These are not the things we say out loud.

There is a chance, a decent one, that what has happened this week can be fixed. There is a chance he will go home.

But the realization that we are fighting a losing battle is sinking in. I do not want it to sink in. And to his face, to my aunt's face, to my cousin's face - I am not willing to acknowledge this.

Here in this place, this place where I have always been honest...I will admit that my fears are running rampant over my hope.

I am ashamed that I have stopped thinking in the long term. My hopes at the moment are very short term. That he will walk on the beach again, that he will be able to eat my aunt's sour cherry pie (his favorite) again. That he might sit on his deck with his favorite people and drink a good beer and watch the sunset.

These are small hopes. The big hopes seem like pie in the sky at this point.

I want to tell you that J~ is not despairing, that in spite of everything, he is still laughing. His whole life...he has been joyful. And even now...he is laughing.

I wish I could be more like him.


*Patty Griffin, Nobody's Crying


Blogger j'lynn said...

~~Hugs~~ to you...

Sunday, February 07, 2010 3:01:00 PM  
Blogger Terynn said...

This is wonderfully written and moving. I am so sorry for your anticipatory grief, but agree it exists. J seems to be handling things with such grace; it is amazing really. I love the idea of living in the short term. It is how we should all live, every day, because every day is such a gift.

Sunday, February 07, 2010 3:06:00 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I tried to leave you a comment on your last (I think) post too but I don't think it ever went through. In any case - I can identify SO MUCH with what you are writing, feeling, thinking and I'm sorry for you and your family. The big C sucks. Keeping you all in my thoughts. I'd like to come up with something far more eloquent, but I hope that in and of itself helps at least some.

Monday, February 08, 2010 12:14:00 AM  
Blogger thecurryseven said...

I'm so, so sorry you, and J, and everyone in your family has to go through this. Cancer sucks. My mil succombed to ovarian cancer nearly five years ago and the loss still feels rather raw.

Praying for peace for you.

Monday, February 08, 2010 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger mam said...

You can hold both in your heart, I'm sure, and mean and feel both equally. Hope and grief, love and anger, happiness and sorrow. Your heart is so big, G. I wish ... well, I wish for so much.

Monday, February 08, 2010 12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry this is happening. What a hard, hard thing. I hope this doesn't come out as trite, but while you can't think long term right now, maybe you can think Very Long Term... you will see him again, one day - and when you do he will be whole and healthy, and you will share in his joy. That really doesn't take away the pain and grief you are experiencing now, but maybe it can give you some hope for the future. My prayers are with you.

Thursday, February 18, 2010 10:12:00 AM  

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