Sunday, December 07, 2008

Grief

This is a hard post for me to write. And I don't want to write it. But I NEED to write it because if I don't write it, I might lose my mind a little bit.

I might lose my mind briefly anyway.

It is impossible for me to believe that in 2008, in a fine hospital, full of fine doctors, a woman can die from complications of pregnancy and birth.

But that is what has happened.

H~ was a college girlfriend. She was not one of my Girlfriends (capital G), not one of the women on whom I rely today. But, she was a Girlfriend to some of my Girlfriends, and right now my heart is breaking for her husband, for her baby who will never know her mother, and for my Girlfriends who have lost one of THEIR Girlfriends.

H~ and I were sorority sisters and we had a lot of classes together, and she made me laugh and I liked sitting and talking with her in the cafeteria.

It has been almost 8 years since I saw her last.

It does not make it easier, those eight years of absence, for me to wrap my head around her death. Her insane, tragic, inexplicable death. Her death is something I am having a really hard time accepting as real.

H~ was an athlete in college. As I sat here, trying to conjure specific memories of her, smiling and blond and laughing, I remember watching her get ready for a swim meet. She was so strong. I mean, really, physically - she was all muscle - she was fast. She was very, very fast in the pool.

How is possible, how is fair, how is it POSSIBLE - for someone so strong to be torn from her family this way? She had a baby. She died. It's not right. It's NOT possible. Except that it must be possible, because it happened.

I want to believe that she is not dead, I want to believe that she, like all new mothers, is sore and overwhelmed and desperate for sleep. I want to believe that she is struggling with a gigantic stroller baby seat combo in the Michigan snow. I want to believe these things, but none of them is true.

But the thing that is true - that she is gone - is too horrible for me to comprehend.

13 Comments:

Blogger Rachel said...

Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry. Death in childbirth is so rare here and it is horrific and senseless. I will be praying for you, for her, for her family.

I am so, so, so sorry. Even if she wasn't a close friend, it is devastating.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 1:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Nicki said...

Oh G~ I am so so so sorry. This breaks my heart and I didn't even know her. It is senseless and so unfair. Her poor family.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I am SO sorry…so tragic and heart breaking…it doesn’t seem fair. Very sad :(

Sunday, December 07, 2008 4:46:00 PM  
Blogger mam said...

Oh no. LM, I'm so sorry to read this...I wish I could say something to help, but I know I can't. Thinking of you...

Sunday, December 07, 2008 5:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Elaine said...

Oh wow. I am so sorry. It is hard to comprehend how something like that can happen in this day and age. And the why is even harder to comprehend.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 6:38:00 PM  
Blogger Graced said...

So sorry. It's okay to lose your mind a little over this.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 7:11:00 PM  
OpenID mrsbroccoliguy said...

Oh my gosh what a horrible, awful, tragic thing. I'm so sorry for her family, for her Girlfriends... for you and everyone touched by this loss.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 9:47:00 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

I am so sorry to read this. It is difficult to get your head around something like this because you just don't hear about it happening anymore. It is not fair. What a tragedy.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger S. said...

I just actually gasped--so tragic and awful I can't even get my mind around it. No words.

Monday, December 08, 2008 10:28:00 AM  
Blogger Fifth Dimension said...

I'm praying for the family. This makes me even angrier at the people who would control women's bodies - take our power of family planning away. It is risky and difficult enough. This is terrible. Just terrible. I am sorry. It is poignant for me because my baby is only 6 weeks old.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008 8:27:00 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

That is so tragic and I am sorry. Like you, I don't understand how that happens these days. I can't say much...it's just terrible.

Thursday, December 11, 2008 2:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Annie Bloom said...

This is terrifying and it's hard to even remember that it still happens in our country. Thanks for writing this, I love your blog and have read it for quite a while.

Saturday, December 13, 2008 1:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Spacemom said...

G- I am so so sad. To combine death and life together like this is horrific.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 2:14:00 PM  

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