Well, now I feel bad
I just got a response from Dung's mother. She hadn't responded to my response to her. (See post below, "Conversation with Dung's mother".)
Evidently, she interpreted the fact that I had contacted Holt for an explanation as to why we had been misled about not being chosen as Dung's family, as evidence that I would try to interfere with their process if I had more information about them.
Good grief, what kind of person would DO SOMETHING like that?????
Anyway, I am not going to post what her message to me said, because I think it gives too much personal information about them. But, this is what I said in reply:
I am sorry - I would not want you think that I would have tried to interfere with your process - that was the last thing on my mind. What I was angry about was that I felt like H~[agency] misled us - when I asked why we were not chosen for H~ Dung, we were told, "timing" - i.e. the family chosen for H~ Dung was much closer to having a finished homestudy and that was the reason for the decision. (So when you posted that you hadn't yet sent in your paperwork for the homestudy, I felt like H~ had blatantly lied to me.) My anger was with H~, not with your family, not with you for posting about it. (Yes, it was painful to read, but, I wasn't angry with you, it was just incredible sadness.) But, I really felt it was wrong of H~ to make me believe that the deciding factor was "timing" when clearly it wasn't. When I called A~[social worker] after reading your post, I wanted her, basically, to give me a truthful reason, to explain why we had been misled in the first place, and give us a reason not to leave and go to another agency. And A~ apologized, and truthfully I don't think she intended to mislead me, so much as she didn't want to hurt my feelings - I imagine that this "timing" is a canned answer they give to the family who isn't chosen. I can accept that. It's unfortunate that families are put in positions to "compete" over children, and I am sure it is the worst part of A~'s job to have to tell people their hearts are broken. I did not contact L~ [other social worker] - she contacted me, I suspect after talking to A~. She started the conversation with, "I understand that you've had a loss" - and I appreciated that she started the conversation understanding that I was grieving and upset. That conversation was the number 1 reason I decided to stay with H~ - my husband was dead set on going to another agency after he read your post - again, nothing to do with you, only to do with the fact that he felt like he had been lied to. I did wonder, at the time, what A~ meant by "life experiences" - and it is clear that [your work/ specific life experience] makes you an ideal mother for an adopted toddler. I respect the decision of the committee in finding the best family for H~ Dung - what I did not respect or appreciate was being misled about it. You had no part in that, but, I needed H~ to give me a reason to trust them not to mislead me again. At this point I feel like I have established that trust. We have agreed that we will not go through "committee" again - that was just too horribly painful and, frankly, I don't think I can do that again. But, I do trust that they will eventually find us the right child, and that is what is truly important. I am very sincere when I say that I hope H~ Dung comes home to you soon, and that I hope he brings you joy and happiness, and that you bring joy and happiness to him. I am sorry if I made you worry that I would interfere - that would not be in Hung Dung's best interest, and it would be ugly and small and petty and horrible, and I cannot imagine anyone (well, anyone who really cares about children, anyway) doing something like that. I am glad to know that [he will be loved and cherished by an extended family]. I told you the truth about what happened after you posted, truly, because I felt a need to make peace with a place in my heart that was still bruised - not to make you feel unsettled or threatened. Best wishes and hopes for quick travel for you and your husband, G~